Pride vs Brain

It has come to my attention that the last 6 months of my life have taken a harder, more profound toll on me that I'd realized. I do not usually condone the bottling of emotions or the subsequent eruptions because I don't see them as healthy ways of dealing with . But somehow since moving back in with my parents in January... I subconsciously started to commit that very offense.

Two of my very best friends asked hubby & I to have dinner with them at a swanky sushi joint in DC, so if course I wanted to be there. Upon realizing how much it would cost, I politely declined and informed them that it just wasn't in the budget and thanks for the invitation. I was doing what I thought was the most responsible thing to do. Of course there was a plethora of other hurdles that would need overcoming but the budget constraints trumped them all.

My friends, being the wonderful people they are, tried to help me overcome each obstacle. No money? We'll pay! No car? We'll pick you up. No babysitter? The place is kid friendly. We can change to a different restaurant. We'll just have a BBQ instead. We'll make it work. We'll find a way. One right after another, my reasons were shot down and left and right and before I knew it there was nothing left to do but to admit to myself and to them what my real reason for declining was: I was tired of feeling like a mooch. Every nice, considerate thing that my friends suggested ended up feeling like a knife blade, digging a deep hole for me to crawl into and feel like a rat. Though I fully understand that they just wanted to be able to hang out and be together, they inadvertently reminded me of why I felt so terrible in the first place.

My parents (& in laws), my sister, my brother, my best friends.... they've carried me through the last 6 months both emotionally and financially. Being away from my husband is challenging all by itself but now I feel like I've reverted back to this state of dependency that is flat out depressing. I mean, how am I supposed to feel when I can't even afford to buy my son's milk?

My best friend had to pay for my bridesmaid dress for HER wedding. My other best friend (who is going on vacation and is saving money for that) is constantly giving me rides and paying for my food. My little brother is my right hand man when travelling with my son and my sister had to sign my name on our mother's day gift, even though she paid for the whole thing. My cousin's girlfriend has to give me free haircuts and she EVEN drives to my house.

YES, I understand that these are people who love me and don't mind it but there's still a big part of me that whimpers every time someone goes out of their way to be nice to be... mostly because I feel like I've taken advantage of it and that I can't give anything in return. I couldn't even call my best friend and admit this to her... my husband had to do it for me like in that crazy movie with Ashley Judd playing a mentally ill mother. I was so overcome with shame and guilt that I fell into a fetal position on the floor crying... broken hearted and saddened by the fact that this is what my life has been reduced too.

My brain tells me that these people help me because they care, but my pride as woman is shattered and I'm having trouble shaking this wretched feeling that I'll never be anything more than a leech. Yeah, I KNOW better... but is it so hard to believe that even with that knowledge my emotions have exerted a little more control over me?

Blah blah... messy, disorganized rant.

Bruce Wayne

Now and again, even the sturdiest buttress can succumb to the weight it bears and crumble. Today is one of those days. Sometimes I find myself with no stronger desire than to see my hopes for love and happiness for my mother and father come to fruition, but other times I feel as though I am unfairly burdened with the intricate details of my parents’ deteriorating marriage and that, as the oldest sibling, I have some unspoken obligation to help them work out their differences. I suppose that’s how I stumbled upon my ambition to be a marriage and family counselor.

The truth of the matter is, I’m starting to doubt that they even want for themselves what my siblings and I want for them: the joy of being in an emotionally fulfilling relationship. For nearly 20 years, they’ve tried everything that they’ve known to make the relationship “work” and for nearly 20 years I’ve seen the results culminate into the same sorry state of affairs as the time before. Isn’t there some kind of idiom that says if whatever you’re doing isn’t working to change what you’re doing? Obviously, whatever they are trying just isn’t as effective as they think it is, so shouldn’t they try something different?

Oh and I am SO FUCKING TIRED of hearing that “in the Philippines we don’t get help with our marriage problems,” because 1. You are NOT in the Philippines anymore and 2. Is the love of your life not worth going outside of your comfort zone and taking a chance? When people come here from the Philippines and leave behind the only life they’ve ever known it is usually because they are seeking a better life with more options than they previously had. Off that principle alone my parents should be taking advantage of all forms of assistance, be they familiar or not. Also, if there was still love between them then they should be nurturing it, not burying it under their unaddressed frustrations and communication catastrophes.

I’ve tried to tell them that their problems have a ripple effect on us, their children, and even that isn’t a strong enough motivator to at least attempt to do something different. We’ve tried to suggest seeing a priest, different ways to communicate, different ways to perceive their situation, and still our desperate requests falls on deaf ears. If we are so wrong about therapists then just go see one and PROVE US WRONG. Not to mention, their refusal to see a therapist is an ironic mockery of my personal career choice.

We grow weary of trying to hold our parents’ increasingly polar relationship together. Even more so, I’m growing tired of trying to play referee to their constant tussles. Why should I wish happiness for two people who don’t seem to want it for themselves? What more can I do or say that will push them in ANY other direction than the one that they’ve been going in for two decades? Where am I going to find the energy to sustain the effort to keep them together?

There are rare, staccato’d moments when they still seem genuinely in love but those moments are too often clouded by the tumultuous quarreling and unceasing frustration. What am I to do? Am I ever going to heal the first married couple that I’ve ever tried to counsel? I’m starting to feel like I’m going to become Bruce Wayne – since he couldn’t save his parents; he made huge personal sacrifices and spent his entire life trying to make up for it. That isn’t a price that I’m sure I’m willing to pay…. Not even for my parents.

So You Couldn't Hurt Me.

I've been on a binge for R&B music circa 90's & 2000's.

I guess my soul is in need of cleansing.

Not to mention, I'm remember where I've come from

so that I continue to appreciate where I am today.

Letter to A Friend

I was reading and re-reading your long, broken up text message and I kept thinking to myself, "why doesn't this feel like an apology?" when it hit me: it wasn't one. Not a completely sincerely one, anyhow.

Firstly, I want to apologize for so brazenly thrusting how I felt upon you. I should have presented my case with more rationale and less emotion.

This frustration has been a LONG time coming. Ever since I got married and moved to Indiana, I feel like you've been less and less available. When I first moved out there, I was lonely and scared, surrounded by people I didn't know and almost didn't want to know because I felt like I had enough friends back home. Every week, I tried to call or text you to see if you'd slowed down a little bit, to see if we could just get some conversation going. Sometimes you'd pick up and we'd have long meaningful conversations and other weeks I wouldn't even get a response to my texts. As your responses grew less frequent, so did my attempts. I didn't want to smother you or anything.

In my head, I believed that you really did do nothing but work, but after a year of telling myself this and simutaneously seeing pictures of you going out on facebook, it became very hard to believe. Still I made excuses for you in my head. I'd invite you places waaaay in advance, hoping that somehow you could get a day off to come see me during the few times I was home. I certainly felt like I tried to come see you, coming to even eat at your restaurant when I couldn't afford it. Then, by some miracle, you showed up at Chance's Baptism reception. I was so happy that I couldn't contain my joy... which you saw. Does that not reflect to you how much I miss the friendship we used to have? The relationship that I've come to value so much isn't even a shell of what it used to be. During the whole "ex" thing, you didn't even feel like you could confide in me, which hurt me a little and started the whole snowball effect.

And yes, in case you have any doubts, i feel like you haven't met me halfway. Why? well, quite frankly you don't call/text back 75% of the time. You don't ever ask me when I'll be back in town. When I am in town, you don't ask me to go anywhere or invite me over to see your place.

Secondly, what kind of apology are you offering if you turn right around and redirect the blame to me? If I am to blame for anything, it's for not making my feelings knows to you sooner, and I accept that. Don't even DARE presume for one minute that I'm so damned busy or that you have any idea what's going on in my life, because you have not taken enough time in the last year to find out. Do you know how many times YOU made the effort to call ME while I was pregnant? One. Do you know how I know this? Because I started keeping track, wondering if I was somehow exaggerating how I felt. I needed some sort of validation to not feel crazy.

Yes, there are moments when I feel like there is too much on my plate between family, school, and work, but I was always willing to make some kind of time for my real friends. I included you in that subset. Ask Ryan, Avril, or Rosario, it wasn't very much, but I tried. Just like I told someone the other day, those who are willing to find time for a friend will find it somewhere.

I can't even imagine how you must feel at this point after reading this letter. Maybe part of you is blindsided, part of you is angry & defensive, and part of you might even realize that what I'm saying has merit. My heart will never forget how much you carried me in my time of need and I will ALWAYS appreciate the great couple of years we had together. Sometimes, I feel like in another life you could've been my soul mate. That's how profound our connection felt at moments.

I would like nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were , when we were nearly inseparable. But alas, with the passing of time come waves of change.

Take good care of yourself.

The Filipino College Conundrum

A friend of mine once said, "College is not for everyone & that is perfectly acceptable." Mind you, he isn't some college dropout who has academic scars and latent fears of failure. At te time, he was a PhD student and is now a doctor in Aerospace Engineering. He is quite literally a "rocket scientist" of sorts. He has committed to more school in 26 years of life than most people care to even fathom.

Had he been speaking to my parents or anyone of the like, he may have received some extremely intense, less-than-Christian glares. In the Philippines, graduating college at the top of your class is THE ONLY way to have a "get out" and have a "bright future"... that is, aside from being "pen-pal," which is just a polished term for what I know you're already thinking. Oh and you could become unnaturally white & thin and be a singing/dancing/acting megastar... Yeah.

However I am a first generation Filipino-American and I have been exposed to a host of careers that require a degree as involved as a PhD in biology (because Lord knows, they take forever to defend and graduate just because of the nature of the lab work) to something as quick and nearly painless as a certificate. Some careers don't even require anything past a high school diploma, such as our own military. The idea here is that being in America provides us options that weren't available back home.

Growing up, I was told that I should do what makes me the happiest. At 4, that was playing barbies with my next door neighbor and becoming a princess. At 9, it was marrying Jordan Knight and being a supermodel. However at 15, the focus shifted from what made me happy and to what would make good money, because apparently money trumps dreams. I wanted to be a music major, but there's no money in that. It's hard to find steady work. You have to be really gifted and practice all the time to succeed in that field, which implied that people didn't believe I had neither the talent nor he gumption necessary. Don't get me wrong; my family loves me and supported me in the best way they knew how, but psychologically & emotionally I was beyond torn. Do I follow my heart and pursue my dreams at the cost of my family's approval? Do I follow my Catholic upbringing which places emphasis on a simple life? Or do I pursue the Filipino-American dream, be a "good daughter" (a.k.a. mindless drone) and grow up to become a nurse/teacher/whatever everyone else says I should be?

There is an unhealthy (but merited) amount of emphasis placed upon the acquisition of an "appropriate" degree as opposed too finding what you love and making a career out of it. Our whole lives, we're told that if we work enough hours, buy a humongous house, fill it with enough nice things, and save enough money that we'll have a happy, healthy, well-adjusted family and a fulfilling, profound life. You mean to tell me that I'm going to spend millions and millions of hours doing something I (hopefully) kinda like in order to retire at 70 and only THEN I get to enjoy life?

Well damn. That sounds just awful. Why can't I pursue a career of my choice and simple BE HAPPY? Why can't the people I love and lean on just find solace in the notion that my work, no matter how well paid or compensated, brings meaning and joy to what can otherwise be a relatively bland existence? Why is it okay to only be a Sunday morning Catholic, preaching humility and simplicity in life yet concentrating on what kind of annual salary my career of choosing will bring? You can't just brag to people that I'm a wonderful, loving person? Do I really have to follow your every desire to be considered a good child?

Structure, yes please. Brainwashing, no thanks.

Lianne, only unhappy, poor people say what you're saying so that they feel good about the choices they've made that led to them being unhappy & poor.

Though that thought may be correct, it doesn't apply to me. Yes, I'm broke. Yes, my husband and I are struggling students who rely heavily on our parents to keep us afloat. But despite all that, we are HAPPY & BLESSED. I've never been more confident in my decisions for my life and my future. Sure, there are moments when I look at my well-worn, not so stylish belongings and wish that I'd stayed with the USPS and that rather nice salary. I could've been a manager at the rate they were training me. But then I remember that even with my nice things, I would be waking up every single day dreading the fact that I have to go work. That is not how I choose to live.

Personal fulfillment & Joy > Annual Salary & 401K.

Now that I'm a parent, I reflect much more on how I would deal with the things I put my own parents through... and I begin to understand why they did what they did. Don't confuse this with agreeing -- I would like to think I would've handled it differently -- but rather, as enlightenment and a realization that the decisions they made weren't at all as easy as they once seemed. But this is the one subject that seems to be extremely polarizing between Filipino immigrants and their first generation Filipino-American children...

somehow, someday... I hope to lessen that gap.

woosah.