Firstly, I want to apologize for so brazenly thrusting how I felt upon you. I should have presented my case with more rationale and less emotion.
This frustration has been a LONG time coming. Ever since I got married and moved to Indiana, I feel like you've been less and less available. When I first moved out there, I was lonely and scared, surrounded by people I didn't know and almost didn't want to know because I felt like I had enough friends back home. Every week, I tried to call or text you to see if you'd slowed down a little bit, to see if we could just get some conversation going. Sometimes you'd pick up and we'd have long meaningful conversations and other weeks I wouldn't even get a response to my texts. As your responses grew less frequent, so did my attempts. I didn't want to smother you or anything.
In my head, I believed that you really did do nothing but work, but after a year of telling myself this and simutaneously seeing pictures of you going out on facebook, it became very hard to believe. Still I made excuses for you in my head. I'd invite you places waaaay in advance, hoping that somehow you could get a day off to come see me during the few times I was home. I certainly felt like I tried to come see you, coming to even eat at your restaurant when I couldn't afford it. Then, by some miracle, you showed up at Chance's Baptism reception. I was so happy that I couldn't contain my joy... which you saw. Does that not reflect to you how much I miss the friendship we used to have? The relationship that I've come to value so much isn't even a shell of what it used to be. During the whole "ex" thing, you didn't even feel like you could confide in me, which hurt me a little and started the whole snowball effect.
And yes, in case you have any doubts, i feel like you haven't met me halfway. Why? well, quite frankly you don't call/text back 75% of the time. You don't ever ask me when I'll be back in town. When I am in town, you don't ask me to go anywhere or invite me over to see your place.
Secondly, what kind of apology are you offering if you turn right around and redirect the blame to me? If I am to blame for anything, it's for not making my feelings knows to you sooner, and I accept that. Don't even DARE presume for one minute that I'm so damned busy or that you have any idea what's going on in my life, because you have not taken enough time in the last year to find out. Do you know how many times YOU made the effort to call ME while I was pregnant? One. Do you know how I know this? Because I started keeping track, wondering if I was somehow exaggerating how I felt. I needed some sort of validation to not feel crazy.
Yes, there are moments when I feel like there is too much on my plate between family, school, and work, but I was always willing to make some kind of time for my real friends. I included you in that subset. Ask Ryan, Avril, or Rosario, it wasn't very much, but I tried. Just like I told someone the other day, those who are willing to find time for a friend will find it somewhere.
I can't even imagine how you must feel at this point after reading this letter. Maybe part of you is blindsided, part of you is angry & defensive, and part of you might even realize that what I'm saying has merit. My heart will never forget how much you carried me in my time of need and I will ALWAYS appreciate the great couple of years we had together. Sometimes, I feel like in another life you could've been my soul mate. That's how profound our connection felt at moments.
I would like nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were , when we were nearly inseparable. But alas, with the passing of time come waves of change.
Take good care of yourself.
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