Two of my very best friends asked hubby & I to have dinner with them at a swanky sushi joint in DC, so if course I wanted to be there. Upon realizing how much it would cost, I politely declined and informed them that it just wasn't in the budget and thanks for the invitation. I was doing what I thought was the most responsible thing to do. Of course there was a plethora of other hurdles that would need overcoming but the budget constraints trumped them all.
My friends, being the wonderful people they are, tried to help me overcome each obstacle. No money? We'll pay! No car? We'll pick you up. No babysitter? The place is kid friendly. We can change to a different restaurant. We'll just have a BBQ instead. We'll make it work. We'll find a way. One right after another, my reasons were shot down and left and right and before I knew it there was nothing left to do but to admit to myself and to them what my real reason for declining was: I was tired of feeling like a mooch. Every nice, considerate thing that my friends suggested ended up feeling like a knife blade, digging a deep hole for me to crawl into and feel like a rat. Though I fully understand that they just wanted to be able to hang out and be together, they inadvertently reminded me of why I felt so terrible in the first place.
My parents (& in laws), my sister, my brother, my best friends.... they've carried me through the last 6 months both emotionally and financially. Being away from my husband is challenging all by itself but now I feel like I've reverted back to this state of dependency that is flat out depressing. I mean, how am I supposed to feel when I can't even afford to buy my son's milk?
My best friend had to pay for my bridesmaid dress for HER wedding. My other best friend (who is going on vacation and is saving money for that) is constantly giving me rides and paying for my food. My little brother is my right hand man when travelling with my son and my sister had to sign my name on our mother's day gift, even though she paid for the whole thing. My cousin's girlfriend has to give me free haircuts and she EVEN drives to my house.
YES, I understand that these are people who love me and don't mind it but there's still a big part of me that whimpers every time someone goes out of their way to be nice to be... mostly because I feel like I've taken advantage of it and that I can't give anything in return. I couldn't even call my best friend and admit this to her... my husband had to do it for me like in that crazy movie with Ashley Judd playing a mentally ill mother. I was so overcome with shame and guilt that I fell into a fetal position on the floor crying... broken hearted and saddened by the fact that this is what my life has been reduced too.
My brain tells me that these people help me because they care, but my pride as woman is shattered and I'm having trouble shaking this wretched feeling that I'll never be anything more than a leech. Yeah, I KNOW better... but is it so hard to believe that even with that knowledge my emotions have exerted a little more control over me?
Blah blah... messy, disorganized rant.
